Valentines Day Bombing

Beatrice Goody, owner and operator of Bai Corporation, was murdered today. A bouquet of flowers was left on her doorstep with a pipe bomb placed inside of it. She was killed instantly. Earlier this month Bai Corporation’s factory was burned down in an apparent arson attack and it is presumed that these two incidents are related, despite the lack of comment by investigators. When asked if we can expect more bombings, investigators commented:

“If this is a serial attacker, we can expect there to be more bombings but it doesnt seem that the public at large is at risk. So far only specific targets have been attacked and done so in a precise manner. If this is a serial attacker, it seems personal and the public should have nothing to fear.”

Despite this reassurance, Schmiddletownites seem scared.

“I mean, buildings are burning down, people are getting blown up, its pretty scary. How do I know if I’m a target or not?” Joe Schmoe, a local resident pleads.


3 Buildings Set Ablaze

Schmiddletown AP

Three Factories were apparently intentionally set
ablaze last night in the greater Schmiddletown area. The targets were the R.W. Decency factory, Bai Corporation and Firstuni Corporation buildings. Investigators withheld comments citing that it was an ongoing investigation but our reporters managed to speak with some of the first responders.

“There was a lot of confusion at first. We responded to a call and when we got there there was only one building that we could see on fire. As we were fighting that one other calls were being made for the other two buildings but there was a lot of confusion on them being different fires. By the time we realized that two other buildings were on fire, they were already pretty big and we weren’t equipped to fight that many fires of those sizes.”

They continued to attribute the severity of the damage to this confusion and alluded to there being some sort of time delay device for igniting the fires.

“There was no way the fire spread to these other buildings, nor is there a way someone could have set them after we had already gotten there. Someone would have seen something.

It is unclear the motive behind the arson, or if the arsonist will strike again, but readers may recall a previous article where these companies were implicated in causing leukemia in local residents.

Any tips can be forwarded to the Schmiddletown Police at 845-867-5309


Hotel Heiress Found Dead

Twenty year old Erin Hotelsman, Daughter of hotel tycoons Mr. and Mrs. Hotelsman, was found dead inside of a room at the No-Tell-Motel Thursday morning at 11am on the outskirts of Schmiddletown. Erin was a hotel manager for her family business, which owns and operates multiple hotels in the greater Schmiddletown area.

“Since this is an ongoing investigation I cannot divulge many details about this situation, but it is important for the public to know that there is no ongoing threat” Commissioner Travis Gorganzola said in a press release.

Services will be held on Sunday at the Smorse Funeral home from 10am-1pm

Local Drug Dealer Gets Arrested

Schmiddletown drug dealer, Rasheed Sanchez, got arrested the other day, on May 5th. Local father, Johnny D., had recently caught his daughter with crack cocaine, and stood to put a stop to the drug chain that has been thriving behind the scenes of Schmiddletown. He immediately researched further into his daughter’s illegal connection to these drugs, and reported Sanchez to the Schmiddletown police department on May 1st. Upon search of him and his property, Rasheem was caught with 400 grams of cocaine and was charged with the possession of drugs with the intent to sell. Sanchez is now serving his sentence of 20 years in Schnewyork State Prison.

Schmangers Lose To Schmevils!!!

The New York Schmangers had a tough outing tonight against the New Jersey Schmevils, and were defeated 5-2 in the last meeting of the season between these two teams. The Schmangers had a tremendous start following the opening faceoff, and constantly pressured the Schmevils in the offensive zone with a strong forecheck. Unfortunately, they weren’t able to generate many high quality scoring chances, and allowed the Schmevils to survive the early attack. The Schmevils would come back to win it in a 5-2 victory.