Student Found Dead In Chemistry Classroom

Staples High SchoolA student was found dead inside of a chemistry classroom in Schmiddletown High School at 11:32pm on the evening of 10/30 by a member of the custodial staff. The student has been identified as Alyssa Speaksloudly, a senior who was in the building for volleyball practice earlier in that night.

“Since it is an active investigation I am only able to share limited information with the public at this time” Police Chief Azzure Fishfun stated at a press release early this morning. “But I can say with great certainty that there is not an ongoing threat to the public and that the death has no connection with the recent Clown activity in the area”.

When asked if foul play was suspected Fishfun responded with “It can not be ruled out at this time and anyone with information is encouraged to contact the police department at 845-867-5309”

Alyssa Speaksloudly was a popular student at Schmiddletown High and was well liked by her peers. She was an active athlete and honor roll student that her classmates often looked to for leadership. Details about services will be forthcoming and posted on


Hit and Run on 17m

33 year old Mikaela Brashear was found dead this morning on the side of highway 17m this morning near Blueberry Schmountain Ice Cream in an apparent hit and run accident. It appears that Mikaela was riding her bicycle north, with traffic on 17m when a vehicle traveling in the same direction struck and killed her.

Mikaela lives with her elderly mother in Schmiddletown and has been described as a night person that always enjoyed riding her bike for stress relief.

If you have any information that may help in this investigation, you are encouraged to call the Schmiddletown tip line at 845-867-5309.


Woman Gunned Down In Her Own Home

32 year old Samantha Scott was found dead today in her home on Excelsior Avenue in Schmiddletown NY, gunned down in an apparent murder. Invefatal-shooting-generic-night-graphic-6000857-27474-ver10-640-480jpg-e1b5b3aa47fe4cc7stigators withheld comment as to possible motivations for the crime as it is an ongoing investigation.

Shots were reported by neighbors at 12:15pm and police were on the scene by 12:20. Samantha was pronounced dead on arrival.

Anyone with any leads are encouraged to contact the Schmiddletown police at 845-867-5309.


Governor Schmandrew Schmomo Killed In Bombing

The Governor has been the apparent fourth victim of the Schmiddletown Bombarsonist according to investigators who confirmed there was a high likelihood that this bombing was from the same attacker.

“There is evidence we are not at privilege to share, but we will say that it makes it an almost certainty that this bombing was from the Schmiddletown Bombarsonist”

The pipe bomb was delivered to his office and the detonation instantly killed the Governor. Investigators claim to have a lead on a suspect and are pursuing any tips that are reported. Investigators were asked how many more victims they expect, to which they responded;

“Hopefully none. It’s unclear how far the Bombarsonist is going to take this or how many targets they have in mind. Anyone who would take it as far as they have can be unpredictable. We do have a pretty solid lead and we will hopefully have a suspect in custody soon and bring peace to our community. The silver lining to all the attacks is that we get more and more evidence each time, and at this point we are confident we will be able to make an arrest and get a conviction.”

Another Bombing Victim; Owen Paddie

Another victim has been claimed by the Schmiddletown Bombarsonist, a nickname created by the people of Schmiddletown, bringing the total death toll to three. Owen Paddie, manager of Firstuni Corporation, was killed by a pipe bomb planted in his corporate mailbox. The bomb detonated upon opening of the mailbox. Investigators have refrained from releasing anymore comment or details surrounding the case, leaving more people to speculate as to the possible linkage between the three companies and the recent attacks against their buildings and personnel.

Researchers here at Schmiddletown Times have recently made a possible connection to a plausible motivation for the attacks. Months ago we reported on these three companies environmental contamination issues, the lack of accountability and their possible role in the recent uptick in leukemia rates for the citizens surrounding their factories. A lack of action at both the local and state level may have inspired a local citizen to take action against these corporations and the people involved for the lack of justice. Anyone with information pertaining to someone who may have a personal vendetta against these businesses are urged to contact the police with tips: 845-867-5309

The police are uncertain if the bombarsonist is finished with their attacks.

William Rodriguez Murdered By Serial Bomber

William Rodriquez, owner and operator of R.W. Decency was murdered by a pipe-bomb left in a package on his doorstep today. The package had only his name on it and he appears to be the second victim in a serial bomber’s killing spree. Details about the construction of the bomb have been withheld by investigators for fear of copy-cat bombers. When asked about the link between the recent bombings and arson, investigators commented:

“It is safe to say that all of these events are linked together but it is unclear if it is a single person acting individually or a group of people responsible. We ask that people keep their eyes open and if they see something, to say something. The bomber isn’t done yet, though it is unclear who the next target is. The general population does not need to fear, however, as there seems to be a specific motivation to the attacks.”

We encourage our readers to remain vigilant and to be cautious.