Schmangers Lose To Schmevils!!!

The New York Schmangers¬†had a tough outing tonight against the New Jersey Schmevils, and were defeated 5-2 in the last¬†meeting of the season between these two teams. The Schmangers had a tremendous start following the opening faceoff, and constantly pressured the Schmevils in the offensive zone with a strong forecheck. Unfortunately, they weren’t able to generate many high quality scoring chances, and allowed the Schmevils to survive the early attack. The Schmevils would come back to win it in a 5-2 victory.



Schmangers win!!!

The Schmangers win over the 720nm Wings last night in a suspenseful game that went to 3 vs. 3 overtime. The game was scoreless during regulation, with a goal being called off due to goalie interference. Fans were outraged that the Schmangers werent awarded the goal because their skater was outside of the goalie crease.

Schuper Bowl Ad to Haunt People’s Thoughts

In an attempt to effectively advertise their new product, Schmountain Dew aired a disturbing commercial during the Schuper Bowl featuring an abomination of genetic engineering. Schmountain Dew spokespeople had the following comment:

“We were looking to embody the essence of our new product, which is the combination of 3 things. Se we looked to our scientists to create a living mascot for our product. Our CEO’s determined that fusing the three cutest parts of the 3 cutests things they could think of should go over well with the viewers and it would be named ‘Cliff’. Sadly, the combination of a cute puppy face, monkey’s body and baby’s bottom did not have the synergistic effect we were looking for.”

Viewers of the Schuper Bowl tweeted the following:

“There are some horrific images that you will never be able to un-see and will haunt your dreams. This is one of them.”

After airing of the commercial and seeing the public response to their newest ad campaign, ‘Cliff’ was promptly terminated as were the masterminds behind this atrocious crime against humanity.

Brother Confesses to accidental Murder of Sister

During the intesne trial of Peter Hotelsman, accused of murdering his sister Erin Hotelsman, the defendant had a breakdown and confessed to the whole thing. Below is a transcription of what was said during court:

“I DID IT! I did it, I killed her. Mom, Dad, I am so sorry. I didnt mean to kill her. I was in a tough spot, I owed the wrong people a lot of money. I know you wouldnt have given me the money if I asked, and if I did you would have gotten rid of me as manager of the hotel. I can’t believe this is happening, i didnt mean for it to happen like this. It, it wasnt supposed to happen like this, it was the perfect plan. I would kidnap Erin, send you a ransom note and pay off my bookie. He was going to kill me, you guys might have disowned me but at least i wouldnt be dead. Then she started telling me how stupid it was, how stupid I was. She wouldnt shut up. She just kept yelling, someone was going to hear. So I gagged her. I didnt realize she couldnt breath. I thought she was just freaking out, and then i left the room. It couldnt have been for more than 5 minutes. 5 mintues. thats all. 5 minutes. I came back and she was motionless on the floor. She had no pulse. I freaked out and ran out of there. I am so sorry. I cant believe it.”

Peter was potentially facing the death penalty, but his confession may save him from that. Sentencing will be next week.